Since 2009, I’ve been writing about all the ups and downs of my journey to financial independence, the good and the bad. What I can say clearly is who he partners with in life is one of the most important variables for him achieving financial freedom. Get it right, and everything else becomes easier. Get it wrong and no amount of net worth will save you.
I met my wife in college at the College of William and Mary, when we both had absolutely no money. We’ve been through everything together as a couple, always having each other’s backs.
In 2008, during the depths of the global financial crisisI asked her to marry me and she said yes. I quit my job in 2012 and she quit hers in 2015, and for a short period of time, we were free together. It was wonderful.
Then, in 2017, we were gifted with immense joy and profound hardship with the arrival of our son. Suddenly, the energy we once poured into each other was redirected almost entirely to keeping a little human alive. The freedom we had so carefully built together vanished overnight.
We slowly went to air and then had our daughter in 2019. A beautiful bundle of joy, arriving just in time for COVID to make full-time parenting even more difficult. We hired one au pair which was outstanding. And then she went on with her life, as people do.
Divorce after children is an understandable, heartbreaking reality
Before I became a father, I always found this strange parents would divorce when their children were still young. Given how long it takes to plan, conceive, and deliver a child, you’d think that keeping it until age 18 would just be the default path.
But now, nine years into parenting two children, I completely understand why couples break up after having children. The amount of energy and time it takes to grow them is astounding.
And inevitably, both parents end up feeling undervalued, neglected and invisible, not necessarily because their partner stopped caring, but because every last ounce of care is poured into the children. After years of feeling invisible, breaking up and finding happiness elsewhere starts to feel less like giving up and more like survival.
I was one stay at home dad since both children were born, treating it as my main job for the first five years of each of them, with Financial Samurai, podcastingand writing books as side hustles.
That means long days. I often wake up before 5 a.m. to write and respond to readers, and then spend the rest of the day with the kids when they are home schooled. Then, once they started school, she was doing drop-offs, pick-ups, dad’s day camp on weekends, homework, dinner, bath time and bed time. Repeat.
I love being a dad because I appreciate feeling useful. Funny conversations in the car are a pleasure. Walking them hand in hand into the school lobby and giving them big hugs and kisses every morning is still my favorite part of every day. I wouldn’t trade it.
But I have to be honest about something I’ve been hinting at for years. I’ve felt undervalued for a long time and that feeling has only grown. Unfortunately, the gift of freedom can also be taken for granted.
Interestingly, I’ve started getting inspiration from working dads who grind 50 to 60 hours a week in an office, come home exhausted and travel constantly, leaving their partners to hold it all together. If they can make things work happily, maybe I should change my ways.
I just want to be a regular dad sometimes
Of the ten fathers I surveyed about how many days they traveled for work last year, the average was 40 days. As a result, I made it one of my own New Year’s resolutions to travel at least 20 days this year alone, since I am also the financial provider.
I’ve been away from my family for exactly eleven days since 2017, and that was just to fly back to check on my parents during COVID and for my dad’s surprise 80th birthday, which was priceless. So I think traveling for half the number of days the typical dad in my peer group does seems more than reasonable.
I am a little envious of the fathers who work there. The type who flies to New York for a conference, orders the ribeye at Peter Luger with their corporate card, has one too many Caymus, parties until 1am and sleeps until 8am in a quiet hotel room and nobody needs any of it.
The kind who comes home four days later and is treated like a returning hero only to walk through the door with an airport gift shop bag. Wives and their partners don’t seem to mind at all. And I’m impressed that they don’t.
Ironically, the more you constantly show up, the more invisible you become. For my wife, being there almost every day is just the basics. It’s Tuesday. Of course he is here. Why thank someone for Tuesday?
She also struggles with being a mother
It also has its frustrations, which are completely valid.
She manages the house planning, childcare logistics, kids laundry, scheduling, scheduling and doesn’t feel like I see it all. Most recently, she is taking online classes to become a preschool teacher and is actually working as a substitute some weeks for $24 an hour.
She is right. I don’t constantly see and recognize everything she does and I need to do a better job.
We are both tired. We’re both doing our best and it feels like it’s not enough. But no one really cares because we chose to be parents and we have to deal with it properly.
When two exhausted people who love each other don’t see each other, the distance grows silently. And then one day it feels insurmountable.
And so, we made a decision.
It’s time to go our separate ways
We both turned to AI as a neutral sounding board to help us sort things out. And after many long conversations, both with each other and with our robot therapistwe came to the same conclusion.
It was time to part ways.
My wife is taking the kids to see her parents in Virginia and West Virginia. Our children have not seen them in years and are not healthy enough to fly to visit us in San Francisco, despite offering to pay for their trip.
I briefly floated the idea of stopping by Williamsburg to show the kids our old college stomping grounds. It would be fun to recreate photos from when we were broke 22 year olds with no idea what was to come. This suggestion was not received with enthusiasm given the difficult times. Her mother’s Virginia suburb and her father’s cabin in the woods is.
And me? Left alone in San Francisco with no wife, no kids and no agenda, I decided to go where I am loved unconditionally and rarely judged for anything.
I booked a flight to Honolulu to see my parents.
I briefly considered being brave about it and spending 11 or 12 days backpacking through Vietnam and Thailand, going full digital nomadbeing on a beach in Southeast Asia. I have dreamed of this goal for over a decade.
However, I looked into flight logistics, then got lazy. I decided that spending time with my parents was the responsible choice. I also have a long list of questions I want to ask as soon as I can. There are some household items that need to be fixed as well.
So I’ll be there with my resources, take them out to dinner, and try to remember what it’s like to be someone’s child instead of someone’s everything.
Okay, you got me. Happy April 1st!
We are not getting divorced. At least not yet. But I want you to sit as easily as you believed, because this discomfort is the whole point. Having children will test your relationship to the max. It is vital to get your finances in order beforehand.
However, the feelings are real. Burnout is inevitable, while the valuation gap may widen. There is the loneliness of being the parent who always shows up and still feels invisible. If you’ve nodded your head at any of these, you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad partner. You are just a tired person who needs a break.
Here’s what no one puts on the FIRE board: you can optimize your safe withdrawal rate to the decimal point and still neglect your marriage. You can retire early, be home every day and somehow still feel like a ghost in your house. The hardest math in personal finance may have nothing to do with money.
Talk to your partner today and recognize his efforts. Laugh at something silly. Go on a date and order the ribeye and celebrate over an extra glass of wine. Remember who you both were before the kids, mortgage, wallet and pressure buried that person under a mountain of Tuesdays.
My wife and I should be fine. Besides, we only have 12 more years until our youngest leaves the nest. But in the meantime, if anyone wants to take me out for a steak dinner in Honolulu or tan their cheeks with me on the beach, just leave a note.
I will be with my parents in Honolulu from April 2nd to April 10th, when I catch the red eye home just in time to pick up my wife and kids on April 11th. Because that’s what fathers do.
Readers, why do you think so many parents divorce after having children? And what’s one thing that’s actually helped you and your partner feel more valued when you’re both exhausted and running on empty?
Related posts:
Financial dependency at its worst: Why it’s important to have separate bank accounts
How to prevent divorce from destroying your retirement
Divorce after children: Try the bird’s nest for more stability
The cost of raising many children is not just money
Suggestions for Parents
If you have debt and children, get term life insurance. For a long time my wife and I had inconsistent policies, which didn’t make sense given our situation. After closing policies that match the 20-year term Genius of politicswe finally felt at peace knowing that our children will be taken care of no matter what happens.
With the stock market falling apart, reviewing your finances with a professional is more important than ever. Here it is my experience having a professional review on Strengthening my portfolio to help protect it from a fall. Enter through my link and I’ll send you a signed copy of my USA Today bestseller, Millionaire Points. Instructions are in the linked post.
