Growing up, my dad would have a quick breakfast with us before disappearing into the workforce. He would emerge again after 6:00 p.m., visibly depleted. The main roll of my childhood memories: throwing a ball around the backyard, some really great family dinners, and the times he would watch me lose tennis matches and give his verdict – “You’re just not good enough.” Oh.
It is this eternal tug of war that fathers face between time and money. And I will make a controversial claim: it’s actually the father’s fault worse than mom’s fault. Stay-at-home moms don’t lie awake wondering if their children are being neglected, because they are there, not neglecting them.
However, working mothers bear a heavier burden of guilt, since nothing in the human experience matches the creation of life. But I am a father, so I will only write from my point of view.
Before we go any further, let’s define what kind of dad you are. Because this post is not for everyone.
Type 1: The father who has to work
You know who you are. The mortgage is not optional. Children’s school is not free. You’re on a plane again not because you like airport food, but because someone has to keep the whole operation funded. You miss naps and school plays and you feel really terrible about it.
This section is for you and the news is good.
Type 2: The dad who wants everyone to know how awesome he is
You also know who you are. You just came back from two months away on a “big project” while your wife or partner ran the house, attended every football game, dealt with every 2am fever and quietly held everything together. You came home with a suitcase full of airport chocolates and some extremely strong thoughts about your sacrifice.
Or maybe it didn’t work at all. Maybe it was a month in some exotic country you’ve been posting about since the trip was booked. Or a weekend of exotic car driving with your famous podcast friends.
Whenever there’s a school event, or indeed any room with other adults in it, you arrive with a fresh highlight reel ready to go. The race. Travels. Agreements. Big portfolio earnings. No one asked, but here we are ten minutes in and you’re still thinking about how great your life is as your kids get more distant.
Your LinkedIn says “Founder,” or “Senior VP,” or “Managing Director,” or, more fun, “FIRE dad. Your dinner conversation is a greatest hits album of personal accomplishments, not the nasty email sitting in your inbox from your son’s teacher about his poor behavior in class.
This section is also for you.
Fathers are doing twice as much childcare as their fathers did
Now let’s look at some charts that show how fathers today compare to the previous generation. The data comes from a article by Aziz Sunderji and Derek Thompsontwo fathers who did the research. It’s always good to see more dads supporting dads as there is a lack of support compared to the support I see for mums.
For wives or partners who roll their eyes because their husbands still aren’t doing enough, at least progress is being made.
Here’s something really encouraging, especially for Type 1s: fathers today are doing twice as much childcare as the previous generation. Where does this time come from? Less TV, less books and the real wonder – 82 minutes less office work per day.
COVID gave a gift that keeps on giving: the age of working from home, where “working from home” is a phrase used with incredible creative freedom. For three years I played pickleball at noon with fully employed adults who were technically on the clock.
The chart shows 38 more minutes of work from home, which leaves a dubious 44-minute daily gap for not working. That time seems to be heading towards children.
Dads are also doing 29 more minutes of housework per day. Slow clap.
For Type 2, these data are less flattering. Because if the average working father is finding an extra 44 minutes for his kids while he’s actually at home, then two months in Vietnam “disrupting the supply chain” is a choice, not a necessity. Own it or change it, but don’t do it on instagram.
Dads actually enjoy taking care of the kids more than watching TV
Fathers rank childcare above television and attitude on the satisfaction scale. Of course they do.
Seeing your baby roll over for the first time. Releasing the bike seat and watching them just keep going. These aren’t things you trade for a Netflix binge or a networking dinner. Introducing a child to something new and watching them click is more satisfying than any promotion or bonus. But here’s the catch: you have to be there to feel it.
Type 1 dads understand this instinctively, even when work prevents them from acting on it.
Type 2 fathers have theoretically heard of this phenomenon. Some have even mentioned it in a toast at a friend’s wedding. The actual experience, however, requires presence – the physical, unglamorous, repetitive, profoundly mundane that doesn’t make for a great Davos story.
Great recommendations for moms doing the hardest childcare
This chart spoke to me because it is accurate. Moms are still dealing with doctor appointments, homework struggles, the invisible logistics that hold a childhood together. After the age of two, I started to hate taking my kids to the doctor’s office, so I stopped going.
In order not to feel like an absent father, my personal contribution to pediatric health care is porter transport. I drive, get off, find parking, wait outside for hours as a very attentive driver, sometimes with snacks. Is it the same as being in the room? No, but it helps ease my guilt.
Fathers have quietly mastered it FUN childcare. Three hours in the pool or tennis court is much easier than two hours in a waiting room to keep a restless child busy. This is the real deal, and moms are still soaking up most of it. This was mine the biggest blind spot during my eight years of being a stay at home dad. The past tense is not the same.
Type 1 fathers: this is the area for improvement. Block the calendar. Do homework sessions. Sit in the waiting room. It’s not a pickle, but it’s work.
Type 2 Dads: Your wife/partner has been doing all of this, plus your share, for months. The airport chocolates were a nice thought, but definitely not good enough.
Father’s fault, dismissed (For those who won the dismissal)
If you’re really trying to keep your family afloat, the guilt you feel is real, but the verdict is undeserved. You are doing what is necessary to provide and the records show that you are doing more than your father. Keep your head up. Being a financial provider and doing more childcare is a double win!
If you are working beyond your means and you miss your children’s lives not because you have to, but because it feeds something else – StatUS, prestigeidentity, the feeling of being important somewhere – then guilt is not a mistake. It’s a feature. It is accurate information. Listen to it.
Time with your children is not a renewable resource. Work on their passion before they wake up, after they sleep, while they’re at school. The hours in between are not yours to make money.
And if your wife or partner is telling you that you’re not doing enough, before you send her the data to win the argument, ask yourself what kind of dad you really are. Data covers Type 1. Does not cover Type 2.
Alright, Type 1 dads. Puff out your chest and lift your head. You’ve earned it. Give yourself a trophy with a cookie on it.
Type 2 – the door is open. Come inside. Your children are still here.
Dear fathers, do you feel proud to see the data that shows that you are taking care of children more than the previous generation? Or do you still feel the pressure to provide financially and be more present at home? How has your wife or partner helped to relieve this pressure?
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